Overwhelming Sadness

The sadness is overwhelming. I’ve heard there are colors on the spectrum that the human eye cannot detect… but I never knew there were feelings like that. It’s as if I don’t know them, can’t name them, they are new and strange and bewildering. If I try to name them ‘sad’ ‘angry’ ‘hurt’ they just don’t capture the feelings at all. I find myself opening my mouth and the sounds that come from somewhere deep inside of me are so strange and foreign…

But between unnameable emotions and wails of grief are some moments of relief (if not happiness). I went to Zumba last week, and it was so refreshing to ‘do something’ with my body… Thanks Sonya!! (If you would like to join me, I’ll give you details, just ask). Sitting and looking at pictures and home movies provides a fleeting ‘break’ for my heart, although I have to return to the stark reality of missing Eleanor. 
I wish I had something sweet and inspirational to say, but I don’t right now. I cling to Him, knowing that He is the only One Who could ever help to fill the gaping hole in my heart right now.  Thank you to all who have prayed, sent cards, flowers, gifts, who have stopped and talked with me, the woman in her car near my driveway every morning waiting to go inside, who seems to be intently watching over us as we drive off into our ‘new normal’, to all the well wishers here in cyber world.
I know it’s hard to know what to say to me, but it’s ok, I don’t know what to say back either. The look in your eyes, the softness of your voice, your hand on my arm… even those of you men who just tear up and can’t speak at all. All of you provide comfort and warmth. So, if you don’t know what to say, it’s ok to just smile and hug me. I’m getting quite used to hugging perfect strangers. Goodnight all. I have one cuddlebug left and I’m getting sleepy too.
  • Pat Louise Hines HuenkePrecious, precious Susan! A big hug to you! This is so well put!
  • Sonya LyonI hope to see you tomorrow!!! Thanks for continuing to share this very emotional piece you.you are amazing. I’m keeping you and your family in my heart, thoughts, and prayers
  • Tara LeeHugs my friend…”I’ll stand with arms high and heart abandoned
    In awe of the one who gave it all
    I’ll stand, my soul Lord to You surrender
    All I am is Yours” much love for you,,,
  • Saria FoxSo beautiful, so raw and yet I find your words comforting. I love you my friend. Sending you hugs from CA.
  • Paul RickerI love you Susan, I know its been a long time but I do ask and think about you alot. You stay strong. Send our love love and thoughts from Michigan.
  • Jennifer RickerYou and the family continue to be in our prayers on a daily basis. You are a wonderful , strong willed woman and all though it will take time and by all means you have right to take time to grieve, it will get better . Eleanor is your guardian angel and she will be missed. I trust that God has a purpose for everything he does and he had a need to call her to her heavenly home. Love you Susan !
  • Katie Eastham EvansI’m so sorry, Susan. You are in our prayers continually. We love you.
  • Michele Lynn HallDear Susan…..my heart aches for you because I so remember those early days of the journey of grief. Yes, the feelings are almost crushing and unruly. I remember thinking the colors weren’t as bright as usual……I cut my hair in a new style to attempt to somehow connect with this new reality that I did not want to be a part of, could not be me. Reading the stories of others who validated my feelings and gave me ideas of how to honor and cherish my daughter who was not in her place in my arms….but had gone on to the only arms I could ever fully entrust her to….helped….but still the utter darkness of that journey at first…. You are even more right than you realize, that He holds you now. Jesus taught me so many things in that deep dark valley….and it is only in looking back I can see more fully how He carried me, carried us. Just keep falling into His arms. I look forward to bringing your family dinner next week. It was only a small comfort then to know Katie was safe in heaven, but that has grown into a huge hope in the life of our family. Heaven is more real to us than ever and we have a treasure there waiting for us. Sending hugs and prayer.
  • Amy Hannan LieuallenWe are still praying for you Susan. It is nice to ‘hear’ from you on Facebook. I will have to find some time to come visit you.
  • Gailene ThielDear Susan, you, Bella and the rest of your loved ones will continue in my prayers and thoughts. I love you and want you to know that my heart is with you.
  • Peggy RingLove you Susan, send huge hugs your way!
  • Richard WalkerSusan, Thanks for taking the time to write and express your feelings. I believe this is one of the best ways to deal with the pain and heartache. Your reflect the processing and healing that is taking place in your life. Don’t be afraid or discouraged to continue to cry, hurt, and feel anger. It’s all part of the healing process. You still have your Bella, and your family, and most of all you have your Lord who walks with you through this valley of the shadow of death. May He continue to lead and bless you. Uncle Dick
  • Sandy Benson-JohnsonPrayers around the clock sweets.
  • Kathy FrittsSusan, Bob & I love you & are praying for you! I am so thankful that you share your heart because it helps us too!
    Blessings my friend & peace!
  • Becky Shetka OlsonMichelle Lynn Hall described it quite well. I’ve been praying every day that Jesus holds you the way he did me in the first weeks of that most terrible journey of crushing grief. You’re not alone, Susan. We’re with you and we all love you.
  • Susan HinesThanks. Again, no words, just thanks.
  • Kathy Carpenter CullettPraying so much for you friend.
  • Gabby HeusserWe love you Susan! I know He is carrying you.
  • Amie HodgsonI’m crying with you, Susan.
  • Carol LockePraying and loving you Susan
  • Heidi Howard GravesI sent you a private message on Facebook, my friend
  • Letitia CaminI don’t know how to cyber hug but I would like to send you one anyway.
  • Kiowa Billas always if you need a friend to talk with
  • Corina Martinez-TolbertI think of you every day. I hug Amor tighter and longer now. I hope to never feel that pain Susan. I wish so badly you didn’t have to.
  • Sierra RiehlThank you for those beautiful and transparent words. You and Bella are covered in our thoughts and prayers.
  • Danica RiveraI am hugging you!!!
  • Debra MathaeThe Holy Spirit intercedes for us with groans we cannot understand.

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