Blessings

199

May 20, 2014

Hello Everyone~ Today was way better than yesterday, but nothing is easy yet. Someone who also lost a child advised me to count blessings the other day. I’d already been looking for the best things to come of all this, but her prompting helped me frame it well. If I were to accurately count all my blessings, it would take quite a novel, and since we are familiar with so many of the ‘little things’ blessings and ‘everyday needs’ blessings, I will skip to some ‘new’ or ‘bigger’ ones for this particular count.

One thing I am so very thankful for is the knowledge that my child is safe. I know where she is. Yes I ‘lost’ her in that she’s not here with me physically, but she is also the most un-lost anyone can ever be. She is right where she was always meant to be. I will never need to worry about her. (And so far, I haven’t felt the need). She is safe, home, loved, warm, happy, healthy, well and fulfilled. She has purpose and a job to do, she is who she was designed and created to be from the beginning. I will never have to wonder if she is in danger or hurting, if she’ll make the ‘right’ choice or have an abundant life.

I’m also so very grateful that in this case at least, I know that she is not heartbroken as I am. It is one time where I can rest assured that I carry the burden of pain and longing and my little one is completely spared. How often as parents do we beg God for just that? “Let it be me that suffers Lord, not her.” I am not enjoying this, nor do I wish it on anyone else ever in all of time. And I know that I am by far not alone in this pain, but I am so very glad to know that it cannot reach her at all!!

Also, it’s been getting me thinking about Someone else who’s Child died. There are many differences in the circumstances to be sure, but His loss was just as painful as mine. Probably so much more. Just like me, He was proud of His Son. But He had to choose to let it happen whereas I desperately begged and pleaded and tried everything I knew to not let my child go. I could never have done what He did, I don’t have that kind of strength. To know there would be such pain and suffering for the One He loved. And think, when His body died, the Bible doesn’t detail it, but I’ve been thinking that He wasn’t done ‘paying’ for our sins. No. It had to be done all the way. He didn’t just hang out in a quiet little cave for a couple of nights and rest after His ordeal. He went to Hell for us too, where I’m guessing Satan did everything he knew how to torture Him. And His Father knew, He could see it. He endured it too I’m sure. So, I know it’s not the same as me losing my little girl suddenly, but it does help me put things into perspective somewhat. He knows what I’m going through. In a very personal way. In fact He gave His Son to pay for all sin. Not just the sins we commit, but also those committed against us, and the sinful nature of the world we live in. So, long ago, He chose to let His only Son pay for every hurt, every bad, every tear for each of us for all time… knowing how much it would cost Him, just so that we’d have the chance to be close to Him, know Him, and so that little ones like Eleanor (and all of us) could come home when the time came. Yeah, that’s a blessing to count.

And the other big one I’ve thought of lately is the fact that He gave her to me in the first place. The honor and privilege of knowing her and holding her, raising her and experiencing her…. well, it’s a big deal. He knew that this would happen. It’s not like it was a surprise to Him or anything. And while I cannot fathom why He didn’t intervene in some miraculous way and save her, I trust that there must be a reason. And it’s probably just too big for my poor little worldly and limited brain to grasp. But, whatever that reason is, I know He knew. I also know that He knew how my heart would break, how all our hearts would break. He could have said, ”naw… I’ll just keep this one here with Me from the beginning, that way they will never know what they’re missing. And they won’t be sad when she leaves so early.” Yes, He could have done that. But He didn’t. And I’m glad He didn’t. I’m so very glad to have had her, even for a little while.

There are still many pieces of this that I can’t look at in a positive light yet. Things I don’t understand and things that hurt so very much. Lord, help me see things from Your perspective… I am sure You know what You are doing, even though I don’t get it. Every opportunity I have to look through Your eyes, I find more peace. And right now, my heart needs all I can get. Thank You for loving me. For loving all of us. Thank you for life. For never leaving. For covering and prayers and community and love and support. Thank You for sharing Eleanor with me, even if for just a little while. I love You.
Hello Everyone~ Today was way better than yesterday, but nothing is easy yet. Someone who also lost a child advised me to count blessings the other day. I’d already been looking for the best things to come of all this, but her prompting helped me frame it well. If I were to accurately count all my blessings, it would take quite a novel, and since we are familiar with so many of the ‘little things’ blessings and ‘everyday needs’ blessings, I will skip to some ‘new’ or ‘bigger’ ones for this particular count. One thing I am so very thankful for is the knowledge that my child is safe. I know where she is. Yes I ‘lost’ her in that she’s not here with me physically, but she is also the most un-lost anyone can ever be. She is right where she was always meant to be. I will never need to worry about her. (And so far, I haven’t felt the need). She is safe, home, loved, warm, happy, healthy, well and fulfilled. She has purpose and a job to do, she is who she was designed and created to be from the beginning. I will never have to wonder if she is in danger or hurting, if she’ll make the ‘right’ choice or have an abundant life. I’m also so very grateful that in this case at least, I know that she is not heartbroken as I am. It is one time where I can rest assured that I carry the burden of pain and longing and my little one is completely spared. How often as parents do we beg God for just that? “Let it be me that suffers Lord, not her.” I am not enjoying this, nor do I wish it on anyone else ever in all of time. And I know that I am by far not alone in this pain, but I am so very glad to know that it cannot reach her at all!! Also, it’s been getting me thinking about Someone else who’s Child died. There are many differences in the circumstances to be sure, but His loss was just as painful as mine. Probably so much more. Just like me, He was proud of His Son. But He had to choose to let it happen whereas I desperately begged and pleaded and tried everything I knew to not let my child go. I could never have done what He did, I don’t have that kind of strength. To know there would be such pain and suffering for the One He loved. And think, when His body died, the Bible doesn’t detail it, but I’ve been thinking that He wasn’t done ‘paying’ for our sins. No. It had to be done all the way. He didn’t just hang out in a quiet little cave for a couple of nights and rest after His ordeal. He went to Hell for us too, where I’m guessing Satan did everything he knew how to torture Him. And His Father knew, He could see it. He endured it too I’m sure. So, I know it’s not the same as me losing my little girl suddenly, but it does help me put things into perspective somewhat. He knows what I’m going through. In a very personal way. In fact He gave His Son to pay for all sin. Not just the sins we commit, but also those committed against us, and the sinful nature of the world we live in. So, long ago, He chose to let His only Son pay for every hurt, every bad, every tear for each of us for all time… knowing how much it would cost Him, just so that we’d have the chance to be close to Him, know Him, and so that little ones like Eleanor (and all of us) could come home when the time came. Yeah, that’s a blessing to count. And the other big one I’ve thought of lately is the fact that He gave her to me in the first place. The honor and privilege of knowing her and holding her, raising her and experiencing her…. well, it’s a big deal. He knew that this would happen. It’s not like it was a surprise to Him or anything. And while I cannot fathom why He didn’t intervene in some miraculous way and save her, I trust that there must be a reason. And it’s probably just too big for my poor little worldly and limited brain to grasp. But, whatever that reason is, I know He knew. I also know that He knew how my heart would break, how all our hearts would break. He could have said, ”naw… I’ll just keep this one here with Me from the beginning, that way they will never know what they’re missing. And they won’t be sad when she leaves so early.” Yes, He could have done that. But He didn’t. And I’m glad He didn’t. I’m so very glad to have had her, even for a little while. There are still many pieces of this that I can’t look at in a positive light yet. Things I don’t understand and things that hurt so very much. Lord, help me see things from Your perspective… I am sure You know what You are doing, even though I don’t get it. Every opportunity I have to look through Your eyes, I find more peace. And right now, my heart needs all I can get. Thank You for loving me. For loving all of us. Thank you for life. For never leaving. For covering and prayers and community and love and support. Thank You for sharing Eleanor with me, even if for just a little while. I love You.
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Rachel Joya Sr., Sharon Horn, Kaydee Farmer and 25 others like this.
1 share
Megan McKinney You continue to touch me with your strength and faith Susan!
May 21, 2014 at 12:00am · Like · 2
Susan Hines I’m glad… sometimes I think faith is all I’ve got.
May 21, 2014 at 12:02am · Like · 6
Sandy Benson-Johnson Wow….. What a blessing your thoughts are to me.
Helps me know what to pray for you…..
Praying for your eyes to see through his…. I love that.
May 21, 2014 at 3:46am · Like · 2
Paula Wang Love that picture Susan!
May 21, 2014 at 7:41am · Like
Heidi Howard Graves Blessings. It is comforting to focus on them through our storms in life. I can’t imagine any bigger storm than what you are going through now. Continue to abandon yourself to Him as He carries you this day. I love you, Susan.
May 21, 2014 at 7:48am · Like · 1
Brenda Lilly · Friends with Denise Perkins and 2 others
Susan, I have prayed for you and your family. How awesome our God to give you these perspectives so soon after your loss. We do know He is sovereign and sometimes that’s all we can cling to. You and your family were always very special to me, and so I’ll continue to pray for God’s grace over you all. Thank you for posting these beautiful words. Brenda Lilly
May 21, 2014 at 8:37am · Like
Susan Hines from CMA??
May 21, 2014 at 8:41am · Like
Denise Perkins Susan, yes Brenda is from CMA, and my older sister. This morning as I was reading this two songs came to me, I’d like to share these with you.
1) I was sure by now God you would of reached down and wiped our tears away stepped in and saved the day bu…See More
May 21, 2014 at 10:08am · Like · 3
Brenda Lilly · Friends with Denise Perkins and 2 others
Susan – yes CMA. Your mom and i served together in Pioneer Club for several years, while you and your brothers were in that age group!
May 21, 2014 at 10:45am · Like
Susan Hines I remember. Hello
May 21, 2014 at 5:50pm · Like · 1
Amy Hannan Lieuallen Susan – I am amazed by your strength to share your journey in grieving on Facebook with so many. I know it is being used to help others you may never know – and is being used to shine His light through this unimaginable storm.
May 21, 2014 at 8:48pm · Like
Derek Hines Hi Susan, I was inspired by what Denise posted for songs, as I use songs myself to get through sadness and loss. Two that have been helpful for me during this time are Your Love never fails. (The most common version is on the News Boys on the Album “Go…See More
May 21, 2014 at 9:29pm · Like
Derek Hines ok I left out part of the chorus and the pre-chorus for the heart and the healer, Pre-chorus “So here I am what’s left of me where glory meets my suffering” The part of the chorus I missed (The Middle line) “You take my heart and breath it back to life”
May 21, 2014 at 9:38pm · Like

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