Looking & Longing

7.12 LunchMay 19, 2014

The looking and longing for her just keeps going. I miss her so much. Even in my regular busy day… something is not right. Like when I need to pay a forgotten bill or call someone and apologize for something. Something is very very wrong and I feel like I need to do something to right this wrong. Except this time, there’s nothing I can do to make it better.

I know in my head that I will get through this. I know in my spirit that He will never let me go. I know she is safe and warm and I will never need to worry that she’ll be hurt in any way, because she is beyond Satan’s reach now. But my heart isn’t the same and I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m told to take it easy, give myself time and expect the waves of mourning to come with fierceness for a while. Oh God, how do I do this?? I need You. I know You’re here or I wouldn’t be able to stand at all. Sometimes I don’t have any strength in me at all.. anywhere. It just hurts. I wish I could feel better. I wish I could learn to accept this new reality, but so far I can’t. It’s like in my head a thousand times a day I realize and say, “she’s gone!” “Oh God, she’s gone!” “My baby died!” I feel like I need to scream for help like when I first found her. But we did help, I had help. We all tried so hard. It was just too late. And calling out for help isn’t going to change anything now.

I will keep fighting, the best I know how. Because I know somewhere deep inside that ‘even this’ is not too big for God. It is however, exceedingly too big for me. I know Isabella needs me to help her as she experiences her own deep sadness. I know that going through the motions will eventually allow my heart to heal. I know that there will be happy days ahead. For now though, I ache. One arm lies empty in my bed each morning where she would come and ‘nuggle me as she called it. My drive from Bella’s school to work is different now and missing so many sweet little rituals and conversations. And bedtime prayers are so hard when I come to the part where each little girl gets to tell God something and Bella just repeats over and over, “God, hold our sister, just hold her.”

Today was a crying day. From the beginning to the end. I’m exhausted physically and emotionally. I’m hoping tomorrow will be a small reprieve, I’m not sure I can withstand two days like this one in a row. Thank you for listening, and all your thoughts and prayers. Just being able to be so ‘real’ here softens the intensity for me somehow. And thank you to the teachers of Auburn Elementary who brought me a lilly and card. Some of the sweetest love is the kind that comes from people who don’t even know us, but care so much anyway.

  • Peggy Ring Susan my heart aches for you..there are no words
  • Gabby Heusser Author Praying for you Susan. The girls and I saw Derek and Bella at the park today and we all gave her a big ‘ol hug! She was happy to see us! I pray for God’s overwhelming love and strength for you today….and all the days ahead.
  • Natasha Larson You’re allowed to cry and mourn for your lost baby. No one expects you to be over this already! The Lord will comfort you. If you need a hug, I will hug you and you can cry on my shoulder. You don’t even have to say anything. This is a tough time, but knowing the Lord is here Whispering to you its ok I’ve got you and I’ve got her. I will help you through this, you need only be still and I will fight for you. Keep your eyes on him and your other beautiful little girl Susan you are doing an amazing job and you have an immense amount of people praying for you and who are here for you.
  • Misty Morris SO SO SORRY you have to go through this it hurts seeing you in this much pain but yes he will be there for you she is with him looking at you right now & they are smiling upon you saying they love you always we are here for you always/ Just close your eyes & you can see me again & again & again…
  • Jenna Buchheit Praying for you Susan,you have every right to take as long as you need to mourn,even if you don’t see it now your stregnth and faith is amazing.You are doing such a wonderful job with Bella,your baby girl has brought so many people together during this tough time.You all are still in everyone’s prayers.
  • Misty Van Pelt Sending love and strength your way Susan.
  • Susan Hines Just so you all know, I went and picked up Bella from her dad’s and brought her home and somehow things are easier at the moment. Maybe I just needed a really good hard cry. I am tired, going to bed with Bella tonight, I need the sleep and feel calm enough to embrace it. Thank you again, even just for listening. Goodnight.
  • Kathy Carpenter Cullett Thank you for sharing your heart and journey through this grief. We hurt for you. Hugs.
  • Dana Joyce Birch You are amazing Susan. I know a bit of what you are going through. My daughter was killed by a drunk driver many years ago. But I still miss her and miss what could have been.
  • Christopher David Not a single day goes by that I don’t think of you and Eleanor. My heart hurts with you.
  • Sandy Benson-Johnson No words.
    Praying for your heart.
  • Christine Mendiola Susan, I pray daily for your strength.
  • Amy Ramadan I may not know you on a personal basis susan, but through your story I feel like I have known you a lifetime. I lost a little boy in 2010 and it was a still born but still to this day it hurts it has gotten to a point where I make through each day without crying but there are still those days where I just can’t hold it back or don’t find myself asking what could have I done differently that maybe he wouldnt have been taken. but then im reminded in job 1:21 ” naked i came from my mothers womb, and naked i will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. I had to keep saying that over and over again and finally it clicked that He is in control our destiny is already written in the book of life we may not know or even understand why But he does! Have faith sweet heart your heart will hurt and grieved and your going to feel like you cant manage to make it one day yet and that’s all normal but in time you will be ok again, just lay your head in the lords lap and cry to him if anyone knows best how you feel and where your heart is he does! Im praying for you and your daughter and all your family that your strength be restored and you can start to heal one day at time butfor now take all the time you need there is no time limit to grieving ((( hugs to you)))
  • Carrie Hammons Hi Susan, I tried to post a link to Beth Chapmans book that she wrote after her and Steven Curtis Chapman tragically lost their 5 year old daughter. When I was talking to a friend of mine that you don’t know that has been praying for you and your family & who was asking how you are doing … She mentioned this book, called ” Choosing to SEE”. I have not read it yet, however beings this women experienced the loss of a daughter at the same age as yours I am wondering if there might be something in it that would resign-ate in anyway and minister to you. I want to read it too…. P.S. We are reflecting and aching too … with you… and for you… and your family… P.S.S. seriously, have you ever considered writing ? You articulate amazingly ! XXXOOO
  • Danna E. Garcia Huge hugs, my friend. One day at a time…That’s all we can do. I’ve been thinking about you all week. I don’t have my car back, but as soon as I do, I’m heading over there. I love you, my sweet friend ♡.
  • Michele Lynn Hall I have the book Carrie mentioned Susan, I could bring it with your dinner tomorrow night of you’d like. It is more about Mary Beth’s life long journey but obviously losing her daughter, Maria is a significant part of that. I also found SCC album Beauty Will Rise incredible as he expresses grief and hope in his own way through music.
  • Lana Tipton · Friends with Katie Maine and 1 other

    My thoughts and prayers are with you….
  • Yvonne Cook Praying and loving you.
  • Denice Baca Little · 3 mutual friends

    Praying Susan, may you find comfort in our Lord.
  • Katie Maine Love you and always praying!
  • Kalia Miller · 11 mutual friends

    We love you and hate that you are going through such a tough time, I am continually thankful for how real you are with people and how easy that makes it for us to mourn with you and pray for you. Thank you for being yourself.
  • Susan Hines Thanks Kalia and Amie, I find it so helpful to put it all in words and get it out there, it helps fight the feeling that I’m alone in this pain (I know I’m not but the feeling sometimes comes anyway). It helps to know that someone knows what I’m feeling, that they’re listening. And I hope it might help someone else understand or process it a little more too. And I love you too
  • Jennifer Heine The Compassionate Friends/USA is a face book site that might offer some help in the days ahead. Much love and honor to you, my sweet friend.
  • Lily Drofyak Miller May the good Lord comfort you in this difficult time

    Lily Drofyak Miller's photo.
  • Susan Hines
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