It’s interesting to me that all of this still doesn’t feel real. But at the same time, I can’t escape the reality of missing her. She’s not waiting at school for me to pick her up. She’s not just at Daddy’s house or Grandma’s house. She can’t come back, and somehow, someway I have to figure out how to adjust to that. But that just seems so impossible. How? How Lord? How do I live without my baby? How do I breathe without my baby? It just doesn’t seem like it can even work. I just feel like I can’t go on without her. And it’s not the going on part that I object to, it’s the ‘without her’ part I can’t incorporate. It’s also interesting what things bring the tears. Today I lost it at Costco. Why? I mean, it’s Costco. It’s not exactly the most sentimental place… I did see some sort of giant Spiderman floating toy and I wanted so badly to buy it for her (yes, she loved Spiderman too) but I also knew that it wouldn’t bring her back. It’s kind of like I have some sort of momentary hope when I see something like that. As though ‘maybe that will make it better’ but the thought is so fleeting, the momentary rise of it in my heart automatically, almost instantly pulls me back down again where I find the pieces on the floor all around me again. Suddenly and without warning, I can’t hold it together anymore and I’m pushing a giant cart through Costco looking for paper towels they have moved and trying not to make eye contact with other shoppers. But really, I think it was just one more normal thing that I do every week (I shop for my office), seeing people I’ve seen often in the past… but they don’t know. And the confirmation that even at Costco, she does not come back to me, burns at my soul. No matter where I go in the world, getting back into the things I usually do, she isn’t coming back. I go to work and she is still gone. I go to church and she is still gone. I go to the store, the post office, the pharmacy, the car wash, the gas station… still she is gone. I’m hoping for and looking forward to a time when I will have exhausted all my ‘places’ and stop expecting subconsciously that she will be able to come back. A place of peaceful acceptance where thoughts of her bring smiles without the stabbing pain, only a little bittersweetness now and then. I pray for that time.
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Terri Wilson Austin, Ashley Sniffen, Dayna Campbell and 24 others like this.
Tyra Holiman Oh Susan. Your words are always so raw and real. You are in my thoughts and prayers often. Hope to see you tomorrow at SCF for single mama’s group.
May 23, 2014 at 11:09pm · Like
Misty Morris I wish I could take the pain away & make it better, I see your posts & wonder how it is happening WHY did it happen to YOU & your family I lost my child hood best friend last year in June & can’t believe another family friend is going through another crisis like this I am sending out loves & prayers to all of you. Miss you terribly
May 23, 2014 at 11:14pm · Like
Michael Bickle This paints a pretty vivid picture I don’t know what to say, or that’d it’d even matter. Like you’ve said, nothing can be said to bring her back. You’re doing awesome just getting out of bed everyday
May 23, 2014 at 11:17pm · Like · 6
Susan Hines Thank you.
May 23, 2014 at 11:43pm · Like · 3
Michael W. Fudge Praying God’s loving embrace for you.
May 23, 2014 at 11:44pm · Like
Stacey Moran Hugs & prayers for you Susan…
May 23, 2014 at 11:48pm · Like
Danna E. Garcia I’m still praying for you and Bella. I’m here for you ♡.
May 24, 2014 at 12:01am · Like
Susan Hines I know, and thank you. Hugs!
May 24, 2014 at 12:05am · Like
Michele Lynn Hall I hated shopping too. I cut my hair to something totally different than any of my normal styles. I think it was a way of expressing that my world was not the same. It took new routines and experiences to help me find relief from the pain of her not being there in the world I had created for her. That was very difficult too, because I didn’t want to leave her behind….in my memories….that was wrong for a long time. But just when I thought I couldn’t bear any more, usually after a flood of tears, God’s mercy and grace would flood over me and I would find strength to breathe, to live. I know you will find that too because He promises to be close to the broken hearted and to walk with us through the valley of death. Maybe that valley seems so long at first because He doesn’t drive us through it…..He allows us to stop and rest every few steps as He ministers to our needs. I don’t know for sure, other than I do know He is there. Praying for your heart, Susan!
May 24, 2014 at 1:40am · Like · 1
Danna E. Garcia http://www.compassionatefriends.org/…/To_the_Newly…
To the Newly Bereaved – The Compassionate Friends
If you’ve recently lost a child, there are many…
May 24, 2014 at 7:41am · Like · 3 · Remove Preview
Sandy Benson-Johnson Your writings are so very very real….. You have a way of painting pictures of your heartbreak through your words. Love u girl. Praying for your eyes to see through His.
May 24, 2014 at 10:16am · Like · 1
Carol Locke Nothing I can say will make better but you are surrounded with our love.Time won’t heal lt just makes a little easier
May 24, 2014 at 7:04pm · Like · 3
Terri Wilson Austin For a long time after my mama passed, I just expected her to come around the corner when I went over to check on my dad & brother… My mind was set on the pattern that it knew. Just as ominous as that pattern became obvious to me when she was gone, it also as ominously quieted. And while I was being tossed about in the throes of losing her, God left beautiful memories in its place.
May 25, 2014 at 3:43am · Like